The Twelve Days of Red vs Blue
by Silver Stone Ruby
Summary: It's Twelve days 'till Christmas, or at least when this fic was published, so how are the Reds and Blues gonna celebrate? You guessed it, insanity and craziness, also known as the average day for them. Read as these two teams get into their holiday spirit! New chapter every day until Christmas, 12 chapters total. -Complete
1. Day 1: How the Blues Stole Christmas

Sarge put a chair on the ground in the center of the canyon. All of the other Reds and Blues were there as well. It was story time, and his turn to tell it.

"Okay, let me tell you the story of 'How the Blues Stole Christmas'" he said. This was one of his originals.

"This is gonna be stupid, I can already tell. Hey, Wash? Do I have to listen to this?" Asked Tucker.

"Yes, you do. It's good to hear a story every once in a while. Opens your mind."

Sarge spoke again, starting the story, "There was a place called Red-ville."

"That's the shittiest name I have ever heard," Said Epsilon.

"It was a peaceful place full of Reds who were celebratin' the holidays! They had decorations and festivels planned, it was gonna be big! But one day, a group of dirty Blues decided to settle in, and everything went horribly wrong!" Sarge continued.

"Tell me more, sir!" Said Simmons, seeming intrigued.

Caboose agreed, "Yes. I like the part with the Christmas part!"

"They were greedy bastards, those Blues, and on the night before Christmas Day, they snuck into all of the Reds houses, and took their decorations and Christmas trees and everything!" Sarge said dramatically, "They ran out, so they could throw all of the stuff off of a giant cliff! But us Reds were smarter! We figured out what they did and found them."

"Whoo-hoo! Go Reds! Suck it, Blues!" Said Simmons, wanting to hear more.

"We managed to throw the Blues off the cliff instead, and save our stuff. And, thus, without the Blues to ruin it anymore, Christmas was saved and Red-ville lived happily ever after. The, brilliant, end. All hail the Reds!"

"That... Was the weirdest story, ever. Of all time." Wash said when the story finished.

"It was... Interesting.." Grif said.


	2. Day 2: Transforming Trees

Tucker walked around the canyon, searching for anything that could be remotely Christmas-related. He stumbled upon a shining blue rock, and grabbed it. He pulled out a piece of make-shift string and attached the two together in a loop. He walked back to Blue Base, and got to the roof, where there was a very poor looking tree they had found and dug up, re-planting it in the center of the base for the holidays. It as surrounded in various items, from sticks and headlights to a street cone to top it off.

He put the rock around the tree, thinking it looked good. It was the best ornament they had found. As he turned around, he saw Caboose running up, a box full of actually good-looking Christmas orniments In his hands. Tucker had no idea where he found them.

"Caboose? How did you get those?" He asked, staring at the box full of silver and gold.

"Get them? I made them! Out of the power of the love and friendship I share with everyone who isn't red and Tucker! Like Mrs. Unicorn over there!" He pointed to a white horse that had a cardboard horn attached to it.

"Okay, then... Come on, lets just put these on.." Said Tucker digging through the box as Simmons walked into the base. "Simmons? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, just, uh.. Letting you know.. The competition is in five minutes.. So... Just keep working! We're totally not hiding anything! Why a would you think that?" He said, voice going higher as he spoke, fidgeting a little.

"Uh-huh. Yeah, we'll be there. Now, could you, like, go do whatever it is you were just doing?" Asked Tucker, slightly annoyed by the Red's presence.

"Oh, uh.. Yeah! I'll just be going, then! Nothing to worry about! At all." He then proceded to run out of the base as fast as he could. Yup, he was hiding something, but Tucker didn't really care. They soon had the tree finished and Tucker called Church over to help carry it to the center of the canyon. They placed it down and looked over to see all of the Reds with what looked like an actually good tree. Doc came over to the two groups. Because he was neutral in the whole Red vs. Blue thing, he would judge what tree was the best.

"Wouldn't it be wrong to single out one team as better at making trees than the other?" Doc asked, and everyone groaned.

"We wouldn't have had this stupid competition in the first place if that were true," Church said.

"I don't know. I don't want to make anyone feel bad.."

"So you're putting us at a tie?" Simmons asked.

"Sure!" Doc replied.

"That just ain't gonna do," Sarge said, "Simmons! Commence operation Point My Gun At Tucker."

"Yes, sir!" Simmons said, shooting Grif.

"Dammit Simmons, I said Tucker!"

"Point My Gun At Tucker is just a code name for Point My Gun At Grif, sir."

"Then just go with the plan."

Simmons nodded and walked over to the tree they made, which was really big by the way, and pressed a button. The whole tree contracted into a warthog and drove over to Sarge, where he got in the shotgun seat. Grif took drivers position and Simmons got the turret. He aimed at the slowly backing away Blues and began to shoot at them, destroying their tree first.

"Ha! Suck it, tree!"

"Everyone run!" Tucker screamed.


	3. Day 3: Attempt at Peace

"Okay, so we all agree that until Christmas is over, we won't fight each other," Washington said, looking each Red and Blue in the eye. Well, as best as one could through helmets.

"Uh, yeah. Whatever," said Grif, though he didn't seem very interested.

"_Everyone_?" Wash said, louder, getting everyone's attention.

"Yeah, yes, fine," Everyone said at once, some more reluctant than others.

"Does it count if we kill our own teammates?" asked Sarge.

"Yes. You can't kill Grif."

Sarge muttered words no one cared to understand, and Caboose spoke, "What if we-"

"No," Wash said. "No team-killing. Period."

"But it could be a-"

"CABOOSE! When the guy says no team killing, he means it," Epsilon said. "I've already died enough times for this war. Most of them were because of you."

"What about an agonizing injury?" Sarge asked, "Can we do that?"

"No. No killing, no fighting, and no hurting of any kind until the holidays are over."

"Come on, Wash," Tucker said. "You gotta give us some freedom!"

"Okay. So you won't mind if I let Caboose kill you?" Washington said.

"Actually, the no killing thing sounds like a good idea. A great idea. The best idea I've ever heard," Tucker said, mind changed.

Washington looked satisfied. "That's what I thought."

Sarge spoke again, "What about a slight pinch, or maybe a push?"

"No!"

Tucker looked at Sarge, "Dude, just stop trying. It's not gonna happen."

".."

"What about-"

"No, Caboose. Not even if you give them orange juice after," Wash sighed, shaking his head. "Why can't you stop fighting for just a few days? It's not that hard!"

"We can't just stop fighting!" Sarge protested once more, "It's in our blood! They're Blue, we're Red, how can we _not_ fight!?"

"Just-no. I'm leaving now, so don't start!" Wash ordered.

"How do you know we're not just gonna start killing each other as soon as you turn your back?" Grif inquired.

"Because if you do, I'll kill you."

"..."

**2 hours later...**

Washington stood by a pile of colorful dead bodies sitting around the canyon.

"Well, I warned them.."


	4. Day 4: Not Dead, Good

"Holy shit, that actually worked!" Grif exclaimed, getting up. "Doc, you actually saved someone!"

Washington shook his head, "No, he didn't. You were never dead to begin with. The bullets just paralized you. With a lot of blood."

"So.. Are we going to actually have peace now?" asked Epsilon.

Washington looked at the Reds and Blues, "I assure you, next time the bullets will be much deadlier."

"I actually like living, so let's go with that," Grif nodded.

"So.. anyone wanna say what they're thankful for?" Epsilon asked.

"Dude, that was _last_ month. You have your holidays mixed up," Tucker said.

"Okay.. what about making Christmas trees?"

"We tried that," Washington said. "It didn't end well."

"Which is another way of saying we kicked your little blue butts!" Sarge laughed.

"Yeah. That."

Epsilon shook his head, "Isn't there _anything_ you can do?"

"It's eight days until Christmas," Simmons piped in, "I'm sure we can wait."

"Besides, what _can_ we do?" Tucker asked, "We're in a box canyon in the middle of fucking nowhere!"

"Well, we could... uh... Tucker, help me out here!" Epsilon whispered.

"I just said we can't do anything!" Tucker exclaimed, "We've done everything!"

"You haven't wrapped any presents yet," Grif pointed out.

"Who would want to give _you_ a present?" Tucker asked.

"Hey! I can be a cool guy! Just, you know, when I'm not sleeping or eating.."

"But that's all you ever do!" Simmons pointed out. "When you're not eating, you're sleeping, and when you're not sleeping, you're eating! Even now I can hear you chewing oreos.."

"I can still be fun!" Grif tried to say, "Like that one time I.. Uh.. hmm. Okay, you win this one!"

"It was never a competition!" Simmons shouted.

"Why don't we ask Caboose?" Wash asked.

"Caboose?" Epsilon echoed. "Why him?"

"Despite him being annoying at times-"

"All the time," Tucker cut in, receiving a glare from Washington.

"-He can still have good ideas. And even be kinda fun!"

"Fun?" Epsilon asked. "Okay, who are are you and what have you done to Wash?"

"I'm serious!" Wash tried to say. "He's had good ideas before. Remember the tank one?"

"Wow. Washington's got a point," Tucker said. "Except there's one problem." Everyone looked at him, "Caboose isn't here."

"Then.. where is he?" Epsilon asked.

"I can't see him anywhere," Wash said, looking around.

"I say we find him!" Sarge idealized. "I can't be satisfied if I don't kill every last Blue! Caboose included."

"Glad to see you care," Wash muttered sarcastically. "Let's search the canyon. He's gotta be somewhere."

And so they searched, but no matter how hard they looked, they just couldn't find Caboose. Donut was especially thorough.

"Caboose? Come in, Caboose!" Doc called over the radio. He sighed, "No answer."

"We have to find him!" Epsilon yelled. "He's obviously not in the canyon.."

"So.. road trip?" Tucker asked.

"ROAD TRIP!" Everyone shouted. Sarge ran over to the warthog.

"Wait, seriously? Road trip? To find Caboose?" Grif looked around noticing everyone getting in a warthog. He sighed, "Fine. But only because I don't want to be left alone."

Grif, Sarge, and Simmons took up one warthog. Washington, Donut, Tucker, and Epsilon occupied the other. They left shortly, on a journey to find Caboose, the lost Blue.

"Hey, guys!?" Doc called. "Guys? Anyone?" The purple-clad man sighed, "Assholes."

"You always have me.." Said an all-too familiar voice in the medic's head.

"..O'Malley!?"


	5. Day 5: On the Road

"Okay. I give up," Grif said, slowing the warthog down.

"But we just started!" Simmmons exclaimed.

"No. We did not just start," Grif explained, "We've been searching for almost a whole day now! This is the longest I've ever lasted!"

"We are finding Caboose," Sarge said, "I don't care how long it takes!"

Grif stared at Sarge, "When did you start to care so much about Blues?"

"I don't care about 'im! I just need to have the satisfaction of killing _every_ Blue! That ain't gonna happen if we don't find Caboose!"

"You're a _real_ hero," Simmons muttered sarcastically.

"I know I am!"

**-Line-**

"Why. The fuck. Are we taking so much time to find _Caboose?_" Tucker asked.

"A better question would be why the fuck did we take Donut with us!" Epsilon exclaimed, staring at the pin- no, _lightish-red _soldier.

"There wasn't any room in the other warthog," Wash explained.

"Couldn't we have just left him behind? Like Doc?" Tucker asked.

"We left Doc behind?" Washington asked, slowing down.

"Uh, yeah."

"Oh. Then you guys should be lucky he isn't the type to hold a grudge," Wash told them.

"Okay! Who's ready to play some Truth or Dare: Christmas Style!" Donut asked, looking up.

"_NO._," said everyone else. They _really_ didn't want to know what Donut had in mind for his dares.. or even his truths.

"Aww, come on! You know it will be fun to play!"

"Yeah, seriously, why did we bring him?" Epsilon asked again.

**-Line-**

Caboose looked at the scene around him, when a figure in the distance caught his eye. "Oh...Shiny." He proceded to walk towards the shiny thing.

**-Line-**

"You are an idiot," O'Malley grumbled.

"What do you want from me? I never took this class."

"Didn't you take years of medical training or something?"

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

O'Malley took control, looking over his project, "I got out in time. Well, someone else got me out."


	6. Day 6: North Pole?

"Where are we even going!?" Grif asked, driving random directions with the Blues behind them. "Because where we are right now is really fuckin' cold!"

"Shut it, you dimwit!" Sarge ordered.

"Seriously! It's like we're in the fucking North Pole!" he paused, looking ahead, "Speaking of which, is that an elf in front of us?"

**-Line-**

"Is that an elf?" Tucker asked, looking ahead.

"Don't be silly; there's no such thing as elves," Wash told him.

"..What about the giant building over there?"

"What giant buil- holy shit.." Wasington hit harder on the gas to get a closer look.

"It must be Santa!" Donut cheered.

"**Hold It!**" Ordered a high-pitched voice, and both vehicles stopped.

"What the fuck?" Grif asked in the other warthog.

"What are you doing in the North Pole?" The person... Elf?, asked.

"I told you!" Grif told Sarge.

"We're looking for an idiot wearing blue armor," Tucker explained.

"Idiot in blue... You mean that guy Santa took in?" The elf asked.

"Santa?" Epsilon asked, appearing in front of the elf.

"Ooh! An AI! Kids are all over those this time of year! Speaking of which, we're busy," the elf told them.

"Can we just see our.." Epsilon grumbled to himself, "Friend?"

"Fine! But make it quick, we're not supposed to let visitors in this time of year, we're too busy wrapping the presents!" The elf sighed, getting out of the way.

"Thank you," Wash nodded, driving though along with the Red's warthog.

"What the fuck just happened?" Tucker asked, looking back at the elf.

"I guess we're seeing 'Santa'," Epsilon said, with air quotes of obvious disbelief.

"This better not be a trap.." Wash muttered, "But according to that elf guy, Caboose is in that building."

They reached the very festive looking building, and everyone got out of the warthogs, entering. They were amazed at the sight: tiny elves running everywhere, doing the best they can to add finishing touches to the presents. And then Caboose, jumping up and down with a Santa hat on his helmet.

"What. Just. Happened?" Tucker repeated his earlier question.

"I don't know," everyone else said. Tucker shook his head, and walked up to Caboose.

"Caboose? What the fuck are you doing here!?"

"Oh, well I saw a shiny thing and it turned out to be a tiny person so I asked the tiny person where Candy Land was and he pointed to this place and said it was close and now here I am with a lot of candy and wrapping paper!" Caboose proceded to smash is face into a nearby mint cheesecake, forgetting about his helmet.

"Okay.. Yeah, come on, we're going," Tucker grabbed his arm, dragging the other Blue to the others.

"Now don't leave just yet!" A voice sounded at the other side abov the workshop place. Tucker turned around and recognized the man as Santa. "Aren't you the ones who took down that Director fellow?"

"Uh.. Kinda?" Epsilon answered.

"Well, I think ones such as you guys should be getting some presents early!" Santa declared.

"Aren't we a little old for that?" Wash inquired.

"Of course not! Let me grab them!" Santa went to a very _large_ pile of presents, picking out a few and coming back. "I'm sure you'll find them interesting."

Tucker glanced at Wash, "What just happened?"


	7. Day 7: Presents

Epsilon eyed the small pile of presents that lay in front of the Reds and Blues. "Uh.. I can't exactly open mine.."

"I'll do it," Tucker went to his present.

Santa smirked, "It's worth as much as you."

Tucker unwrapped it, snickering at what was inside. "Well, Church, you're worth as much as rocks! Wow, Santa couldn't even bother with coal!"

"What!?" Epsilon flashed to the present, looking at its contents. "Oh, come on!"

"Santa's a dick. It's official!" Tucker laughed, moving to his present. He opened it, looking inside. It was a poster of Felix. "What the fuck?" Looking closer, there were faint target lines, the bull's eye in Felix's head. "This is the best gift ever!"

"Of all time," Wash added, looking at his own gift. "Hmm.." He opened it, eyes widening a little in surprise and embarrassment.

"What is it?" Tucker asked.

"Uh.. I-It's nothing, really." Wash nodded rapidly, hiding his new kitten stuffed animals and posters behind his back, gesturing for them to continue.

"Okay.." Grif opened his, and there was an Oreo box. "Sweet!" He opened the box, preparing for a tasty treat. His heart dropped when he found the box completely empty.

"Haha! Looks like Santa could be a very valuable member of Red Team!" Sarge commented, "He's even got the colors!" He opened his present, finding a bottle of headlight fluid. "Huh."

"Ooh! Nice!" Donut looked at Sarge. "Let's see.." His present was video camera. "Now I can make those home cooking videos!"

"Sweet!" Simmons called out, looking at his gift. It was.. Oh holy shit! Delta?

"Delta?" Washington asked, uis present locked away.

"Hello, Washington," Delta greeted. "I am.. confused as to how I got here."

"Well, I guess it remains a mystery," Santa said.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Caboose called, "My turn! My turn!" He opened his present, finding crayons, a doughnut, and picture of Church. "THANK YOU SANTOON CLAWSEY!"

"Why would Santa have Delta?" Epsilon asked.

"I don't know..." Wash looked at the fat red man standing nearby. _What are you hiding?_

"Well, I believe you spent enough time here," Santa declared. "If you stay much longer I won't finish everything in time for Christmas!

"Yeah, we should go," Tucker said, moving outside. "We just came here to get Caboose, anyways."

Washington looked at Santa, then at Tucker. "Yeah. I think that would be best."

"Can we leave Grif here?" Sarge asked.

"Can I stay?" Grif asked, looking at all the candy.

"I'm afraid not, there's no room," Santa sighed.

"Oh, come on, let's just go," Epsilon said, also outside now.

"Okay," Grif muttered unhappily as everyone made their way to the warthogs.

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOODBYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." Caboose yelled, voice slowly drowned out as he was driven further away.


	8. Day 8: Doctors

The Reds and Blue returned to the canyon. Washington tried to figure out how Delta was alive, but the AI said he didn't know. Wash decided to try and figure it out as soon as possible. He knew Santa had gotten the AI, but not how. For that, he was suspicious; he knew something was up with that guy. He couldn't just have Delta poof out of nowhere.

"We're back," Tucker stated.

"_Finally_," Grif sighed in relief, parking the warthog and getting out, dropping onto the grass and staying there. Sarge also got out and looked at Grif. He then proceded to kick him in the side. "Hey!"

"There you are, sleeping as soon as you get the chance!" Sarge shouted at the orange guy. He turned around, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to apply this headlight fluid!"

"How did Santa even get that stuff?" Tucker asked.

"We don't know," Washington replied. "We also don't know how he got Delta."

Tucker turned towards Wash, "You never showed us what Santa gave you. What is it?"

"Uh... nothing!"

"..Right." Tucker shook his head, walking towards Blue Base. Wash sighed in relief.

"Hey, where's Doc?" Donut suddenly asked, looking around the canyon. "He was here when we left."

"Donut's right: he isn't anywhere!" Simmons exclaimed, also glancing around the canyon.

"That is not a good thing, is it?" Caboose asked. "Is it a not good thing, or a not a not good thing? Is it an opposite of the opposite of a not good thing?"

"Uhh.. What?" Washington asked. "Maybe?"

"Oh.. That's not good."

"Yeah.. Let's find Doc, then," Washington began to search the canyon.

"If we don't find him, does that mean we have to take another road trip?" Grif asked.

"No. If Doc wants to leave, he can leave," Washington answered.

"Okay, good, because I was _not_ gonna drive that far again!"

"It would be wise to go after him; it isn't good to not have a medic around," Delta popped in to say.

"He was never a good medic anyways," Epsilon said.

"Besides, he was always really annoying," Grif added.

"It would be more helpful to get rid of him than to keep him," Simmons finished.

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!"

"What the hell?" Epsilon asked.

"Oh what fun, it is to ride, in a one horse open sleigh! Hey!"

"WHO IS SINGING!?" Washington shouted.

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle, jingle all the way!"

"Wait...," Epsilon held up a hand, "I recognize that voice..."

"Oh what fun, it is to hurt, the ones who disobey!"

"Is that who I think it is?" Wash asked.

"Crashing through the snow, falling on your knees, let me help you up, to perform surgery!"

"Yes, I'm pretty sure it is," Epsilon answered.

"Watch the blood fall out, pouring on the floor! Finish the operation, then just push you out the door!"

"Dr. Grey?" Wash called out.

"Jingle bells, jingle bells- oh, Washington!" Dr. Grey ran over. "Did you like my song?"

"Uh.. It was.. Interesting," Wash answered. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard your medic left, so I came to assist!" Dr. Grey told him.

"Wait.. How did you hear about that?"

"Oh, don't be silly! I know everything that goes on with you guys!" Dr. Grey laughed. "_Everything_."

Epsilon whispered to Washington, "Stalker!" He turned back to the insane doctor, "So you're staying? With us?"

"Yup! I'll be with you forever! Oh, I better unpack!" Dr. Grey ran off towards Blue Base.

"WHY IS SHE HERE!?" Tucker yelled from inside.

"APPARENTLY STAYING FOR A WHILE!" Epsilon answered.

"WHY!?"

"SHE SAID WE NEED A DOCTOR OR SOMETHING!"

"Should we go in their with him? Just incase?" Wash asked.

"He's fine," Epsilon assured him.


	9. Day 9: Basement of the Workshop

"And then, once we kill Santa and all of the kids start their wonderful crying show, we jump in and lead them all into a cave while telling them there's presents, and then we kill them in a beautiful slaughter!" O'Malley laughed, loving his plan.

"Wait, we can't just ruin Christmas!" Doc protested.

"Yes we can, didn't you just hear my plan?" O'Malley asked.

"It's not right."

"You're right: it's _not _right. It better! It's amazing! It's bloodshed! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-" O'Malley stopped himself, "Wait, don't want to give away our location. I should be quieter."

**-Line-**

"Twinkle! Grab the crate!" Santa ordered his elf. They were in the basement of the workshop.

"Of course," Twinkle said, running off to get the crate.

"What's in this one?" On of the reindeer, Dasher, asked.

"A cloaking device," Santa answered, giving Dasher a pat on the head.

"Where do you even get this stuff?" Comet asked.

"I couldn't tell you that! It's secret!" Santa answered.

"Why do I even try?" Comet muttered, going away. There was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Santa asked.

"Your wife!" Came the voice of Mrs. Claus.

"Quick! Hide everything," Santa whispered to the nearby elves. "Then come on in!" The door opened, and the wife came out. She eyed one of the elves as they just finished hiding a small metal box.

"What are you doing? It's almost Christmas Eve!" Mrs. Claus asked Santa.

"Just looking at the place; it just doesn't seem decorated enough," Santa lied.

"There's five Christmas trees," Mrs. Claus pointed out.

"Exactly! There should be six!" Santa pointed to an empty spot, "Right there! Wonderful place!"

Mrs. Claus shook her head, "Please, hurry up. We can't be late." She walked out of the basement, sighing to herself. She knew Santa wasn't being completely honest with her, and she needed to figure out what was up. They were behind schedule for Christmas and whatever side project Santa was keeping from her wasn't helping that situation. In fact, she was pretty sure it was the cause.

**-Line-**

"Maybe they're magic rocks?" Tucker suggested, looking back at Epsilon's present.

"Who the fuck would have magic rocks?" Epsilon asked him.

"Santa?" Tucker poked one of the rocks. Nothing happened.

"Oh, yes. So magical." Epsilon shook his head.

"Well, maybe they're diamands?"

Epsilon looked at the rocks, then back at Tucker, "Tucker. Do these _dull_, _grey_, rocks look like diamonds to you?"

Tucker sighed, "No."

"Why would Santa give me rocks!?"

"He said they were worth as much as you," Tucker said. "So.. Basically Santa said you're worth as much as rocks."

"May I try to help?" Dr. Grey said, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

"Aa! Where did you come from!?" Tucker jumped back.

"Oh, I've _always_ been here!" Dr. Grey laughed. She proceded to scan the rocks. "Yup! Just rocks!"

"Wow. You made me feel so much better," Epsilon said sarcastically.


	10. Day 10: Wtf Santa?

Santa looked at the small metal box in front of him. Despite the small size, it was the most valuable item he had. At least when it comes to what he was doing. _I probably shouldn't have given that Delta AI to Simmons. He could still be useful, especially with this one._ He picked up the box and set it on a nearby table. Then, he opened it. He turned around, then looked back at the contents of the small box. He picked the item up, examining it, when nearby a small flash appeared.

"What. The. Fuck."

Santa smiled, "You're alive. Good."

"Wait, wait, wait.. Are you supposed to be Santa?"

Santa rolled his eyes, "What gave it away? The hat? Or was it the big white beard?"

"What is going _on_!?"

**-Line-**

"Aha! There you go!" Dr. Grey smiled, looking at Grif, putting down her tools.

"Somebody please just kill me..."

"That was wonderful! I would have preferred a little more suffering, with death at the end, but you did your job," Sarge nodded.

"She put a knife in me.." Grif mumbled.

"Then, I took it back out! Great observation!" Dr. Grey said.

"Tell me, why is she here again?" Tucker asked, having taken a few steps away from the insane doctor.

"We needed a doctor.. or something," Epsilon answered. "She's crazier than Doc, but at least she knows what part of the body is where."

"...Right." Tucker took another step back.

"Who else wants turn their body into a big puzzle of organs to put together?" Dr. Grey asked _way_ too cheerfully.

"Not me," Tukcer answered quickly, now very far away, using his radio to speak.

"Hey, Uh, whatever happened to the 'no harming until Christmas is over' thing?" Epsilon asked.

"Dr. Grey wasn't here for that," Tucker pointed out.

"Then why don't we tell her?"

"You can, I'm not coming anywhere near her!"

**-Line-**

"So.. How _did_ you get out?" Doc asked.

"You expect this stuff to be important enough to actually take the time to remember?" O'Malley sighed, "A really tiny invisible guy came in and took all of the AI before the emp went off. That's all I'm saying."

Doc put a hand up, "Wait.. Isn't it pronounced E.M.P.?"

"What fool gave you that idea?"

"I think it was my seventh grade history teacher," Doc answered, going through his memories.

"Whatever, I don't care. Let's get over to the North Pole already."

**-Line-**

Santa turned from what he was doing. "Don't move," he ordered.

"Yeah, whatever, why am I here?" the other grumbled, clearly frustrated. Santa got out of the basement, locking the door behind him. He checked on all the presents being wrapped, smiling at the hardworking elves. He knew they would make it in time if they kept at this pace.

He turned back into the basement. "Okay, what was your name? Oh, right. Alpha."

"For fucks sake, WILL PEOPLE STOP CALLING ME THAT!?" the other nearly exploded. "Church, my name is Church, it always has been. Shut up on the Alpha shit... _And how the fuck did I get here!?_"

"I got an elf to bring you, along with other AI, here," Santa answered. "You stayed here for a few years until now, when I need you."

"But.. The Meta... Ugh." Church shook his head. "I'm just gonna go now, if you don't mind."

"There's an E.M.P. Here and I'm not afraid to use it," Santa warned him.

"And I care because...? Listen here, Santa. I. Am. Not. A. Fucking. Computer."

"Your death wish."

"You know, I thought Santa would be a little more caring."

"Well, I am anywhere but here."


	11. Day 11: Elves, AI, and Santa

**Hey guys! It's officially Christmas Eve! Whoo-hoo! Which also means that this fic is almost over. I myself like that because I never really liked uploading new chapters **_**every day**_**. But, I also love you guys, so I do anyways. **

**Let us begin!**

Simmons woke up with a yawn. Another day had gone by, and it was now the day before Christmas. He decided to get his armor on because by now it had felt almost natural to wear. He heard a noise coming from outside. It sounded like paper and someone humming... Was that Donut? He went out to confrontation the pink armored man.

"Donut! What are you doing?"

Donut turned around and looked up at Simmons. "Presents!"

"Wait, presents? How are you supposed to get presents?" Simmons noticed that Donut was blocking his view of whatever he was wrapping.

"I've been saving this stuff all year. Though it began to get a little cramped up in the garage," Donut shrugged.

"Uh, okay then. I'm just going to leave now, good luck with your strange and possibly deformed presents!"

**-Line-**

"Caboose, look, for the last time, I am _not_ going to teach you how do get dressed! You've been taught. You've done it. How could you forget!?" Washington shouted at the other soldier.

"It's good knowing I'm not the only one who has to deal with this," Epsilon appeared.

"Yeah, well, you can get used to it after a while," Wash sighed.

"So, uh.. It's Christmas Eve."

Washington looked at him. "Yes. It is."

"Are we gonna _do_ something?"

"Look where we are, then you can answer that question."

Epsilon nodded quickly, "Yeah, yeah, box canyon in the middle of nowhere. Got it. But there has to be something!"

"Church!" Tucker shouted, "We already established seven days ago that there's nothing to do around here!" Suddenly, a new voice entered the crowd.

"Hey, Church, grab Delta, let's go!"

Epsilon glanced around, "Did you all just hear that?" everyone nodded, "Okay, I'm not going crazy," he signed.

"Grab Delta?" Washington echoed. "Why?"

"I don't know, but- oh, fuck it. I'm bored, I'll go," Epsilon shrugged.

"Wait! You don't even know who this person is!" Washington protested.

"Okay, then come with me! Seriously, this is the most annoying and boring canyon in the galaxy!"

"I thought that was Blood Gulch," Tucker said.

"Blood Gulch isn't boring though," Epsilon pointed out. "Either way, I'm going."

"Then I'm also coming. Whoever spoke obviously has an interest in Freelancer AI," Wash walked out towards Red Base.

"Yeah, let's get Delta." They reached the base.

"Oh, hey guys," Grif greeted, yawning. "What's up?"

"We need to get Delta," Epsilon answered.

"What for?"

"I.. actually don't know, but we need him."

Grif gave Epsilon a weird look, then shook his head, shrugging. "Inside."

"Thank you," Washington thanked. They walked inside, and saw Donut fiddling with tape, Sarge glaring at a poster of Grif, and Simmons talking with Delta about stuff."

"Hey, Simmons! Can we borrow Delta?" Epsilon asked.

"Wait, Delta? Why?" Simmons looked up.

"Uh.. This guy told us we need to get you and go with him," Epsilon explained, albeit a little sheepishly.

"That does not sound very wise," Delta pointed out.

Epsilon turned towards Delta, "When is anything we ever do wise?"

**-Line-**

"We're under atttaaaaaaaaack!" Screamed an elf over the intercom. All elves stopped what they were doing, looking outside to find a purple-armored soldier coming towards them, riding on one of those ghost things and carrying a rocket launcher, some other device dragging behind him.

"Are you sure?" Another elf asked, "It looks like one of those other guys that were here a few days ago."

"This one has a more agressive position," a third elf said.

"How can you even tell from his distance?" Screamed the other elf in the third's face.

"I can just tell, okay? We need to fight them off!"

"'Them'? There's only one," A fourth elf spoke up.

The third shook his head, "There's a man and an artificial intelligence."

"Wow, you are perceptive," the second elf told him. Behind the elves, Santa was smiling. Now all of the AI fragments would come here. The ones he already had, and the one he had been trying to get.

"Just stop him, and get the AI. See if without the AI the man is still agressive, and we'll act upon that."

The elves gave a salute to Santa, running out of the workshop. Santa turned around, looking out the window on the opposite side. From there, his trusty elf Tinkles came back, carrying the AI he wanted, as well as someone else he stuffed in a bag. _Perfect._ He went down to the basement, where Alpha- no, Church, he called himself, stared at him, probably glaring.

"Lighten up, it's Christmas Eve!" Santa cheered him on. Sadly, Church didn't seem in the mood for it.

"Yeah, thanks, but no."

"Okay, look: we have new buddies here. You can speak to them, maybe they can keep you company." Santa turned around when the basement door opened, Tinkles entering. He opened the bag, and out dropped Washington, tied up with some very strong rope.

"Here you go. I ran into a little trouble with this one, I think his name was Washington, but I dealt with him." Tinkles walked out, "Enjoy!"

"Washington?" Church echoed, looking down at him. "Holy shit! Washington!"

Washington looked up, "Church?"

Church looked some more, "Delta?"

Epsilon looked at Church, "So, you're Alpha."

Cue facepalm. "Fuck it, I hate you already. Who are you anyways?"

"Epsilon."

"Wash's crazy AI?" Church looked back at Washington, who was being untied and strapped to a chair.

"He's not crazy," Wash told him.

"Yeah, well, I got friends to keep me sane," Epslion laughed, "Even if those friends can be insane themselves." He looked up at Church, "Have you _met_ Dr. Grey? He cut Grif up just the other day!"

"Why does he sound just like me?" Church asked, pointing to Epsilon.

"Well, he kind of _is_ you. In a way," Wash told him.

Epsilon and Church glanced at each other, "We are nothing alike."


	12. Day 12: Final

**It's Christmas! Whoo-hoo! I got an Xbox One, but it won't work because _some people _turned off Xbox live... Ugh. Whatever, you don't care about my life, do you? Anyways, enjoy this chapter which is about the size of four regular ones fro this fic.. Also known as a regular chapter size that isn't lazy. Enjoy!**

Simmons looked off into the distance, "Uh.. Shouldn't they be back by now?"

"Man, I don't know," Grif answered, "How far were they going?"

"Well, that small elf guy tied up Wash and stuffed him into a bag.. yeah, we should have probably taken that as a sign that it was a trap."

"Probably."

Tucker ran up to them, "Hey, have any of you seen Wash?"

Simmons looked at him, "We were just talking about that. We haven't seen him since he left."

"Oh, I'm sure he's fine," Grif told him.

"They tied him up."

Tucker held a hand up, "They did _what?_"

"Tied up Washington and stuffed him into a bag," Grif answered.

"Why didn't any of you tell me this?"

"What are you? The leader?" Grif laughed.

"Well, considering that Wash and Church aren't here, and Caboose is the worst leader ever, yes!"

"Oh.. Well, yeah, he's probably in trouble."

Tucker facepalmed. "Let's just find him.."

"He's probably at the North Pole," Simmons guessed, "It was an elf that got him."

"Okay, well at least one thing has been confirmed," Tucker sighed.

"What?" Simmons asked.

"Santa's a dick."

"We already knew that," Grif pointed out. "He gave me an _empty_ packet of Oreos! Empty!"

"Yes, because Oreos are your life source," Simmons rolled his eyes.

"They are!"

"Guys," Tucker shut them up, "Washington?"

"Oh, right. Yeah, let's do that."

**-Line-**

"Why do you want us, anyways?" Epsilon asked Santa.

"Oh? I thought that would be obvious," Santa laughed. The AI all glanced at each other.

"Oh, you are fucking kidding me!"

"What?" Church asked. "What is it?"

"You see," Santa said, "There are all these little fragments, parts of a whole, in this one room."

"Are you thinking about what I really hope your not thinking about?" Wash spoke up.

"So, I thought: if we have all of the pieces, then why not put them back together?"

"Yeah.. I'm pretty sure he's thinking about it," Epsilon said.

"Obviously," Wash rolled his eyes. He turned to Santa, "Why? Why go through all of this trouble?"

Santa looked at him, "With year after year of the same thing, it get's boring. Nothing new to do. I needed an.. ambition. And, well, I'm Santa! I have to be creative!" he laughed, "And, well, why not?"

Epsilon, Church, Delta, and Wash glanced at each other, shaking their heads.

"Hey, uh.. wasn't it that Sigma AI that wanted the 'being whole' thing in the first place?" Church asked, earning a nod from the others. "What attribute was he, exactly?"

"Creativity and.. ambition," Wash stopped talking sudden realization dawning on him, "That.. makes a bit more sense."

Epsilon looked at Santa, "Wait a minute.."

"Yeah.." Church trailed off.

"Sigma?" They all asked together.

"Well, then. You've figured it out," Santa laughed, Sigma appearing in front of him.

"Well, fuck."

"Welcome, brothers."

Epsilon looked around, "Something's telling me we aren't going anywhere anytime soon."

**-Line-**

"Do we seriously have to drive all the way back up here?" Grif complained.

"Would you prefer if the people who have actually kept us alive as long as this were gone, or worse, dead?" Tucker asked the orange-clad man, who sighed in defeat.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Caboose chanted.

"Why did we bring him?" Simmons asked.

"Dude, that guy's like Hercules! Do you _know _how many elves Santa's got? If it turns out they're all evil and stuff, we could really use him," Tucker pointed out, earning reluctant agreement from the others.

"Are we there yet?"

"Shut up, Caboose," Tucker ordered. "We're here to rescue Wash and Church, and we don't want people knowing where we're going. They'll hear you from Earth if you keep that up."

"Wasn't the North Pole place with Santa and everything supposed to be _on_ Earth?" Grif asked.

"Yeah, well, people were dumb back then. They couldn't even reach Mars!" Tucker laughed.

**-Line-**

"Wow, that guy put up a fight," Socks said, panting as they finally knocked the purple guy out.

"Yeah, well, what did you expect?" Fred asked. "He had a giant rocket launcher."

"Point taken," Socks nodded.

"Got it! The AI thing!" Sam yelled.

"Let me take that," Tinkles ran up, grabbing it and putting it in a special pocket.

"Yes, boss," Sam sighed.

"So, where do we take this guy?" Fred asked.

"I'll grab him," Tinkleps told Fred, picking the body up and carrying it away, "Socks, Sam, get the ghost!" The two elves nodded picking the ghost up with a bit of effort.

"Uh.. What do I do?" Fred asked.

"Just come back and try not to break anything!" Tinkles said over his shoulder.

"Yes, boss..." Fred sighed. Something inside the little elf said that the one put in charge wasn't exactly the best choice, though he still listened. _Tinkles doesn't have enough spirit!_ He followed the group of elves, entering the workshop. He saw Tinkles set down the purple man and go into the basement. Fred turned away, going in a different direction.

Fred whirled around as he saw a bright light coming from the basement, urging him to go in there and see what was going on. _No, I can't! We were told we're not allowed to go in there!_ Fred turned around, but the shining light still tempted him. He sighed, facing the basement enterence once more. He slowly walked towards it, only to be stopped by Tinkles jumping in front of him.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Fred froze, "I-you see-it's-I-Er..."

"What did we say about the basement?" Tinkles asked the smaller elf.

"We must never go in there," Fred sighed.

"Exactly. Only me, Santa, some of the reindeer, and occasionally Mrs. Claus can go in," Tinkles told him. Fred nodded.

"S-sorry.."

"You should be." Tinkles took notice of the light, "Now, I need to put these things in there." He turned over to the purple soldier and carried him into the basement. He then came back out and grabbed the ghost. After that, he didn't come out for a while. Fred sighed, _whatever's happening in there better be finished soon. Santa needs to deliver his presents. It's almost time._

**-Line-**

"It didn't work.." Sigma muttered, as they were rejected being together.

Wash looked it him, "It's like a broken vase. When you break it, it's broken. Even if you have all of the pieces, no matter how hard you try, you can't put it back together."

**-Line-**

"We're here!" Tucker announced, pointing into the distance.

Grif jumped up, "We are? We are! _Finally_!"

"We've been driving for hours now, it's about time we got there," Simmons said.

"Yay! We're there!" Caboose exclaimed, "...Where is 'there' exactly?"

"The North Pole. Santa," Tucker explained.

"Oh... okay. Does that mean I can get my present now?"

Grif looked at him, "You already got your present."

"Yeah, crayons, a doughnut, and a picture of Church... which I still don't know how Santa got that," Tucker wondered.

"Okay. Let's just get out," Simmons muttered as Grif stopped the warthog. The four soldiers got out, going towards the workshop. They opened the door and went inside, where all of the elves who were stuffing presents into Santa's bag turned to stare at them. It went like this for about thirty seconds.

"Uh.. Hi?" Tucker waved. The elves blinked at him. One of them walked toward the group.

"Why are you here?" The elf asked.

"Looking for our friend."

"Again? Didn't you already lose a friend here?" The elf stared at him.

"A different friend," Grif clarified.

"Well, the only guy in any relation to you we saw here was some purple-armored guy who tried to kill us!"

Tucker looked at him, "Purple? Wait, that's Doc."

"The elf said he tried to kill them," Simmons pointed out. "That doesn't sound like Doc. And it can't be Dr. Grey because she was in Blue Base when we left."

"He called himself O'Malley, if that's any help," The elf told them.

"O'Malley?" Caboose asked, "Oh... Is that the surfer guy back at Sidewinder?" Everyone gave the Blue odd looks.

"Wait, O'Malley?" Grif echoed, "That explains it. O'Malley must have infected Doc and came here to kill the elves so the kids wouldn't get any presents!"

"Probably something like that," Simmons agreed.

"Where is he?" Tucker asked.

"Tinkles took him into the basement, but no one's allowed in there," The elf told them.

"Well, you heard him! To the basement!" Tucker went towards where he thought the basement was.

"W-wait, you can't.." The elf stopped, "Actually, yes, go in there! I think there's something wrong going on that needs to be fixed!"

"That what we're doing!" Tucker said.

"Oh, and I'm Fred by the way!"

"Bye Frood!" Caboose said, getting the name wrong. The group entered the basement without knocking, and saw another door in front of them that was locked.

"Caboose?" Tucker looked to the Blue.

"Hello!"

"Can you break through this door?"

"Break through it? But that is not a nice thing!"

"I'm not going to deal with this," Tucker muttered. He pushed Grif and Simmons behind Caboose, "Caboose, begind that door are spiky kittens, Tex robots, and tax collectors."

"Wait, I thought we didn't know what was behind the-" Grif was cut off.

"Shut up, I'm trying to make him an-" Tucker couldn't finish his sentence, as Caboose had broken through the strong metal door as if it were butter. "-gry. Wow, that worked perfectly!"

"I hope he isn't angry when we enter," Grif hoped. They walked in, and the first thing they was a lot of AI who seemed to be in conversatile, who turned to star at them. Whatever anger Caboose had left.

"Church!" He squealed, running over to Epsilon. He then turned around and spotted something else. "Other Church? Two Churches!"

"_Two_ Churches?" Grif and Simmons asked each other at the same time. They did indeed spot two.

"What? What is this?" Santa asked, stumbling back, glancing around.

"Looks like we found your little operation, Santa!" Tucker laughed.

"Operation?" He echoed.

"Don't play dumb with us. It's obvious you took all of these AI for some master plan," Tucker said.

"I don't know what you're talking about! What's going on?"

"Uh... Does he, like, remember any of this?" Grif asked.

"He doesn't seem to..," Simmons answered.

"Tucker?" Church asked.

"Yes, Church?" Tucker realized what he had just said, "Wait.. _Church_? Why are there two of you? Are you not dead, then?"

"I never was. Why do people keep thinking that!?"

"Caboose told me."

Church stared at him, "You're listening to Caboose?"

"..Shut up."

"Are you going to untie me or will you just leave me here to die?" Wash asked.

"Oh, right!" Tucker ran over to untie Washington. "Sorry, but seeing someone again who you thought was dead can be a little distracting."

"What are we going to do about him?" Simmons pointed to Santa.

"Nothing," Wash answered. "It wasn't really him doing this in the first place. Besides, it's late. Doesn't he have presents to deliver?"

Santa jumped up, "The presents! Dasher! Prancer! Come on!" He dashed out of the basement as fast as he could.

"Bye, Santa!" Caboose waved.

"So, what are we gonna do about all these AI?" Tucker asked.

"I don't know. Let's just take them bake to the canyon and figure out what to do then," Wash got up. "You have room for me, right?"

"It'll be a bit cramped, but yeah," Tucker nodded.

"What about Doc?" Grif asked, pointing to Doc.

"We'll find somewhere. Let's just get out of this place."

**-Line-**

"And this one's for you, and this one's for you!" Donut said, handing out presents. It was Christmas Day at last, and no worries were to be had for the Reds, Blues, and AI.

"Thanks, Donut," Tucker thanked, taking his. _I wonder what it is? I mean, Donut wrapped it. Surprisingly well, actually._

"Finally, I'll be able to kill Grif!" Sarge sighed in relief, "I thought that truce thing would never end!"

"Tomorrow," Wash said, "Tomorrow."

"Whatever."

"Let's just enjoy this moment, because we honestly don't get many of them," Epsilon said.

"It is nice to finally have Christmas here. We should enjoy it," Wash agreed.

"Yeah," everyone agreed.

"I'll go get the chocolates!" Dr. Grey got up, running off."

"Hopefully we can have at least a little peace this year," Wash sighed.


End file.
